I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
