i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
