I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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