I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's never too late to be topless.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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