totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
