It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dicks are not precious.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
