Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
