just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
