It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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