I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
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