Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
