I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
