I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
