The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
