my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
