Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
