when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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