i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
