I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
