I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
