hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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