apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
