after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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