You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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