so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
