I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
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you will always have a special place in my vag
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
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The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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