I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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