I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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