I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
