Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
