this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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