I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
