there's paper in my vomit.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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