We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
