I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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