do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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