last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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