just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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