im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
