I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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