I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
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Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
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His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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