so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
