I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
