bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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