I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
