I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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