before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
