i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
porn star boner night. come get it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
