he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
