we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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