Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
