I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
