Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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