I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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