I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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