the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
